Most Nights We are Alone

Most nights we are alone,

Trying to form a shape,

Wrecking with the pain of a bleeding heart,

In desperation to flatten the lump formed in the throat,

Trying to keep it as calm as possible

Not to wake our partners beside us.

Most nights we are alone,

Clenching onto pillows,

Playing loud music,

Pretending sleep,

While we writhe in pain.

Most nights we are alone,

Thinking of faces that promised company,

Faces of people we assumed would hug us,

Hands that we thought would caress us,

And talks that we registered would soothe us.

Most nights we are alone,

Peeling off our gender,

Searching for an identity,

Making sense of our essence,

Organizing our anger,

Revolting against the structure,

Living past the breaking point,

Storming a mysterious body.

Most nights we are alone,

Cursing the dreams we believed,

Blaming the instincts that spurred on dubious actions,

Marking the words we spat out without tasting and

Lines we crossed, forgetting our position in the 'system'.

Most nights we are alone,

Unable to find a road,

To be on a track to run through,

To walk at a time that can heal us,

To solve the puzzle that eats us.

Most nights we are alone,

Forgetting we were born alone,

We have always been alone,

And we will all die alone.

A. C

Comments

THE SILENT CRY

Darkness ...at its zenith Silence.. at the sound 's lowest decibel.. I wrapped myself up into the blanket tears rolled down my cheeks.. I cried.. I cried in the dark silence silently.. No voice of my cry.. I bite my hands.. I cried silent loudly.. I cried for the dreams unfulfilled I cried thinking of my unpredicted future.. I cried thinking of my unknown death.. I cried thinking of my inabilities I cried thinking of the gifts not given to me I cried thinking of my people.. And I complained God Almighty for the miseries given to me.. ... I wiped off my tears.. I smiled. Perfect... Nothing is better than this silent loud cry..!! A.C

Kaathal - The Core Breaker of 2023

Kaathal - The Core is one of the movies of 2023 that left an ache in my heart. It's the kind of movie where you just sit and stare at the wall for hours after you finish it. I keep thinking about the pain of Mathew, Omana, Thankan and Chachan and it is something that continues to haunt me. Mathew’s pain is something that has become part of him by living the prime of his life pretending to be an integral part of a heteronormative society. His calm and meek personality is like a dormant volcano that is likely to erupt anytime. When he confronts his pain with Chachan and Omana, we see him peeling off his outer layer of crust and showing us his core. The core, that has carried deep wounds of fear and shame of coming out and confronting his fears, all this while. I don’t think I have seen a more compassionate and kind woman as Omana in recent movies. Despite being in a marriage that doesn’t fulfill her needs, she stays in it for years for the sake of Mathew. And when the right ...

Little Poem

My procrastination ends here, While the urge to write chokes my throat, My hands get paralysed as in a trance, I find excuses to write a little poem, I make up a lonely man, a distressed woman, a lovers’ quarrel, an unrequited love, But they are reluctant to play the part, Maybe i should give them a raise, Or throw a party at midnight, Maybe a few drinks might work, Only if they don’t puke. I can expect a little vandalism, Some damage to the property and a mini scandal, Possibly out of rage. But at the end when I bring my weapons, Sometimes they get scared and back off, Some may never come back, Others find it funny and mock at me, And opportunists, seeing my desperation, Attacks me with manipulation. And all these while, my three panic attacks talk to me in a different language, I try to write a little poem With a racing heart and flowing eyes, I write my little poem, tortured and broken, I end my little poem, Like a mighty warrior, Who had a pyrrhic victory.

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